MENTAL MONDAYS | Grief & Me

26th November 2018

Mental Health Mondays

Understanding Grief by Laura

Today I feel so sad… so, so sad that tears flow silently down my face as I sit to the left of my husband on the other couch. It has been nearly 13 years since my mother died and I feel the sadness today more than ever before. Is it because I miss her? Is it because I’m annoyed that she isn’t here to enjoy her grandchildren? Is it because I lost my best friend? Is it because I feel I have no one to talk to or to listen to me? Is it because I feel I have no one to fight my corner, to cheer, encourage and champion me through life? All of the above and more. Such a deep dark chasm of nothing… of where she should be. There are times when life takes over and you just need someone to have an uninterrupted brew with… to really offload, not just a catch up… a really good bitch and a cry without feeling that you might be judged or your sanity questioned. I have lots of friends, great, fun friends – old and new. I love to socialise and sometimes drink a little too much and fall over… have a giggle. But this is a distraction.

You see… I feel that I can’t talk about my mum with some family members. It is a taboo subject. Of course we have all moved on, created new lives and learnt how to live with our loss.

This is fine. But for some reason my grief seems to have re-surfaced. I think this is the word or expression that I am looking for. I suffer with anxiety from time to time and probably also a little bit of depression. They are not debilitating, I can function and I enjoy life.  

grief

I believe that some of my family members are able to compartmentalise their feelings and emotional experiences. I have tried to do this, not intentionally, this is just how we’re supposed to do things in our family. What’s the point in dwelling on something that you cannot change? I understand this logic, I was brought up with it, but I am just not very good at it. I am a very emotional person, always have been. I started going to counselling a few weeks ago…  could this be why I feel so ‘fragile’, picking away at old wounds? It was my understanding that grief was a process you went through when somebody you love dies, not 13 or more years later when you’ve supposedly got your shit together.

A friend remarked the other day that I never speak about my Mum. This really threw me, probably because I ALWAYS think about her. Every day. I have conversations with her in my head, I ask for advice.

I even ask her where the hell I put my bloody keys or where the next free parking space is… and she delivers! Every time. I now realise that I cannot talk about my Mum because the feelings are still so raw, it’s not fair. She has missed out and will continue to miss out on so much. When I see her friends they always comment on how alike we are. This makes me cry but I never let it show so I fire a wise crack back at them… deflect… always the joker. I am disappointed that the decision was made to have my Mum’s ashes scattered over a rose bush at the crematorium. Why could we not have had some sort of intimate ceremonial gesture for her (…or for me)? I guess I could always go home and sit in her chair or visit her old place of work…

Maybe it just pisses me off that they seemed to be able to (metaphorically speaking) brush her away.

I don’t know. What I do know is that in the hour of writing this… whatever you want to call it… my tears have dried. I feel calm, the knot in my stomach has dispersed somewhat. I believe this may have been a good outlet for me. If you are still reading this, thank you for your time. Laura x


We’d like to thank Laura for her contribution to our Mental Monday’s series. 

#GirlAbout

Follow Us

Thanks for reading this post, we hope that you enjoyed it. You can follow Girl About Blog Squad by clicking in the links below – keep up to date with Girl About news and Reviews.

Share this Article

Share it on your own social media channels or with friends

Related

RECOMMENDATION | Wainhouse Tower, Halifax

If you live in Halifax you’ve probably driven past Wainhouse Tower and not realised that for a few quid you can pay a visit and climb its spiral staircase. It’s “just” 403 steps to the viewing gallery (great leg workout) and there you can take in the stunning sights over Halifax and beyond.

2 Comments

  1. Deb

    Beautifully written account that I can fully relate to. I lost my mum suddenly in 2016 – the missing never stops I was 54 for heavens sake she was 80 but age doesn’t mean a thing when it comes to mums there’s no sell by date I thought expected and needed her to be with me forever 😞

    Reply
  2. S

    Beautiful

    I am exactly the same. I miss my mum. Just being with her. Not even talking. Just sitting watching telly or something silly. And I can’t really talk about it. Because. It’s not real. She is gone. But not gone … Men. I am here. Or am I. I don’t know if I feel anything. But I feel Everything.

    Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Follow us on Instagram @GIRLABOUTBLOGSQUAD

FOLLOW US

The Girl About Blog Squad is a collective of female bloggers across the UK. One platform made up of lots of localised personal blogs from ladies just like you.

Each blogger has their own personal patch - they are the official Girl About their own little corner of the UK. Their mission is to provide Girl About readers with their recommendations and honest and frank reviews on places to eat, sleep, drink, relax & unwind and have fun in their neck of the woods - with or without the kids.

The Blog Squad and Girl About readers are largely made up woman in their 30s and 40s - multi-tasking fiery females with a lust for life and a level of expectation that comes with being a modern mum, friend, a career woman with responsibilities, commitments and a serious lack of free time - Girl About provides proper honest, down-to-earth, easy to digest and well-written content for your enjoyment, so grab a cuppa and catch up with the Girl About Blog Squad.